Very nice. I've made some good progress myself, nothing DIY related, but I could do a
3 week update as well.
- Speak with doctor and start ADHD meds ('bout time).
So yeah, ADHD. Are you lazy, or is it your brain chemistry? Apparently a lot of shite is brain chemistry, but my shite skews most towards hyperactivity/impulsivity. It turns out the way your brain consumes dopamine and serotonin greatly affect your ability to accomplish simple tasks, or even start them. I somehow managed, had a fruitful 20+ year career, but I always gloss over the struggle. Video games are notorious for crunch. I thrive in crunch, but I'm old, turning 42 this year. Crunch isn't always bad management, but I find myself doing it way too often, even on things that aren't work (taxes). Not because I didn't have enough time, knowledge, or experience, but because I couldn't start. I'm pretty good at getting myself excited about things, but far too often it takes fear to motivate me. Fear of disappointing others, fear of missing a deadline, or fear of losing my job. Eventually I reach a point where I'm no longer afraid. That's my cue it's time to quit and do something else. I made this work for years, but it's an exhausting way to live.
I've been on a low dose of Vyvanse for about a week now. Doctor found my childhood ADHD diagnosis and was willing to play ball. Honestly I wasn't sure it was helping, as the effect is tough to explain. I'm very sensitive to stimulus. The smallest things, like my stomach rumbling, or a person in a red sweater walking by can break my concentration. Returning to task, or even starting a new task has been extremely difficult (even hell) at times. Unless I could convince myself it was exciting, interesting, or frighten myself into doing it (deadlines/consequences), it wasn't getting done. I can say with the medicine it is easier, but it's nuanced. It's not that you'll do anything, but I find distractions to be less effective. I can more easily recenter on what I'm doing with the medication. My brain and I still debate about what to do, but it's less of a fight.
The side effects are real though.
Dry mouth like never before, but manageable. The cold dry winter weather outside means I need my humidifier going day and night, and I keep a beverage on hand. Insomnia is a way of life. I started melatonin a year ago, and that brought "some" consistency to my sleep schedule. I still have my bad nights, and starting the meds didn't help, but it mellowed out by weeks end. "Decrease in appetite", holy shit! I'd say it's less a decrease, more of a numbing of the hunger distraction. I'm not kidding when I say hunger breaks my concentration. Now I can work hours until the hunger headache kicks in. I shouldn't though, but "remembering to eat" is manageable. Finally anxiety, manageable but I'll talk about this another time.
All in all, I see potential. It's not a fix, it's an aide. If I chose to spend my time on something unproductive, that's on me. My new years lists have often contained a "find a better work+life balance" line, but the unpredictability, or predictability that the ADHD would get in the way, was always a problem. Again, I see potential. I just need to be careful not to give any reclaimed productivity entirely to my work.
- Do less social media, more blogging
- More writing
- Do something with distraction.engineer. As someone that grew up obsessed with making games, I've had an identity crisis of sorts the past few years as I moved away from "making games" as my thing. Yes sure I'm "the Ludum Dare guy", but my passion isn't herding sheep, but creating. A "title" and domain I settled on was that I'm someone that engineers distractions, hence distraction.engineer.
All three. I started a new blog earlier this month, and frankly gave zero shits about sharing it with anyone. Turns out I've been itching to write, audience be damned.
- Further refine my retro gaming setups.
I should have included a section on "play more games", something I've actually done this year. WTF!
Anyway I've been playing a lot of retro games this month. Metroidvania Castlevania's, old dos games like Civilization and Ultima 8, and a bunch more. Yeah apparently I do still like playing video games, in addition to making them.
This post is too long, I'm gonna stop here.
